Let Me Entertain You
by 2Padfoot00Moony7
Summary: The Marauder's play dares. Complete with stripping Sirius, singing James, red thongs and back-firing plans... RLSB


I've said before how much I love these fics (dare games) and yet I've never actually wrote one so here's my attempt. It's actually one of the most dirty minded things I've wrote… ****

Let Me Entertain You

"Mooooooooooooooooooooooony!"

"What Sirius?"

"It's Friday night."

"And?"

"You can't _read _on a Friday night," Sirius said as he wrinkled his nose his disgust.

Remus stuck his tongue out, "I can and I will."

Sirius said nothing but slid his wand from his pocket, contemplating all the different ways he could destroy Remus' book with a single flick…

"You touch so much as one page and I will personally string you up by your ankles and ensure that you never sleep easy again…"

"Ooh! Kinky!"

Remus sighed, shaking his head, "You, Sirius Black, have a one track mind."

Sirius grinned, "Good isn't it?"

Remus snapped his book shut, glaring at Sirius, "So smart arse, what do you want to do then?"

Sirius frowned a little, he hadn't quite thought that far along yet.

"We'll play truth or dare!" James announced as he walked into the room, saving Sirius from making up some elaborate scheme. He was pulling Lily along with him whilst holding a bottle in his other hand.

"Do I have to drink?" Remus asked suspiciously, eyeing the bottle with trepidation; he didn't like to drink though Sirius had 'persuaded' him to in the past.

"Er - no," James replied, nodding to Peter who quickly scrambled off his bed and settled down on the floor, "You in Moony?"

Remus rolled his eyes, muttered "What the hell…" and settled down next to Sirius. James grinned at him and span the bottle.

- and it came to stop on Peter.

"Truth or dare my four legged friend?" Sirius asked.

Peter bit his lip, finally deciding to play it safe, "…Truth."

Sirius smirked, "Do you fancy or have you ever fancied antler boy over there?"

James scowled whilst Peter mimed vomiting, saying quite calmly, "He hasn't quite got the right anatomy for me."

Peter spun the bottle next, trying to ignore Sirius who was making big whooshing noises, "James. T or D?"

James smirked, "Dare of course. I _am _a Marauder after all."

"Fine. I dare you to… ask Dumbledore what's going on between him and McGonagall," Peter said finally, sounding awfully pleased with himself.

Silence fell.

"…I ask McGonagall that on a daily basis my dear, pick something else," Sirius instructed him with a casual flick of his hair.

Glowering at Sirius, Peter came up with, "Go into the common room and tell everyone you're a 'musical prostitute' and then perform the first two minutes of _I Want To Break Free _complete drag."

Remus stifled a grin; _that would certainly be - er - _amusing.

James grinned too, telling Lily to swap clothes with him. "Tell them three to turn round then, I'm not stripping in front of them!" Lily eyed them all with distaste.

"Pete! Turn round mate!"

"Ahem… what about Remus and King Pervert over there?"

"They're about as gay as you get Lily, I wouldn't worry about them," James told her in a stage whisper.

Sirius stomped his feet slightly, but turned around all the same whilst Remus pulled out yet another book.

"Right then…"

"Wait!" Sirius shouted, grabbing a permanent marker and pinning James to a wall, "You need the moustache!"

****

.x0x.

Remus was still laughing when they fell back into the dorm five minutes later, "Poor poor people, James, you officially _burst_ my eardrums!"

James shrugged, "No-one said I could sing."

Sirius was rubbing his hands together, "On with the show then, as you would say James."

"...I can safely say I've _never _said that."

"…Think of who you're dressed up as… think of his songs…"

"What?" James blinked rapidly.

"… just go back to sleep my dear."

James spun the bottle again, completely disregarding the fact that he was sat in a skirt… opposite Sirius… cross legged…

"AGGHH!" Sirius screamed suddenly, falling to the floor clutching his eyes, "For the love of god put some trousers on!"

James arched an eyebrow, stood up and dropped the skirt all together. Straight in front of Sirius. With hardly a blush at all.

"As much as I love you, I _really _don't need to see that!" Sirius groaned, covering his eyes again.

"Shows where you were looking," Lily muttered.

After putting trousers back on, James cleared his throat. Loudly. "Anyway… Remus, T or D?"

Remus conspicuously slid the book under the nearest bed and looked at the bottle pointing at him, "Me already?"

"'Fraid so. So what is it?"

"… dare."

"Good call!" James was grinning impishly and his eyes trying to hide the mischief. Remus suddenly had a very bad feeling about this. "Remus Lupin… I dare you to go downstairs and ask a bunch of girls if you can borrow their pink nail varnish because you've run out and then start a conversation about famous men you like."

"… pardon?"

"He's saying you're gay, my dear," Sirius supplied, "Go on; a dare is a dare."

****

.x0x.

"Don't forget the camp voice!" James whispered as they reached the bottom of the stairs.

"So talk like Sirius basically?"

Sirius frowned, "I'm _not _camp! Maybe a little girlish but _not _camp!"

Rolling his eyes, James pushed Remus towards the girls.

"Hey, er - Hi. I was just wondering if I could borrow any nail varnish? Hot pink preferably. It's just I've got this date with the cutest boy like _ever _tomorrow night and I want to look my best. Plus he thinks pink's gorgeous."

After several seconds of gawping, the girls all giggled.

Ten minutes passed and James tutted impatiently.

Fifteen minutes passed…

Twenty…

"That does it!" Sirius announced, striding over to where the werewolf was involved in a heated debate over the fittest singer.

"Think of what he does to his microphone…!" Remus shouted to the girls as he was dragged away by the scruff of his neck.

"Just spin the bottle and we'll all forget that you just spent twenty or so minutes talking about other _men," _Sirius informed him, pointing at the bottle. "Just do it."

Remus did, and grinned evilly when it landed on Sirius, "Truth or dare Mr Black?"

Sirius smirked back. "Dare."

Remus nodded, "Very well. Sirius Black, I dare you to snog everyone in this room (sans myself) and then choose the best kisser."

Peter and James instantly recoiled, stating, "I'm not kissing _that!"_

"A dare is a dare," Remus quoted, his eyes never leaving Sirius' face.

Lily, being observant old Lily said, "I'll do it on the one condition that Sirius snogs everyone _including _you."

"Fine," Remus replied in a heartbeat.

Ten minutes later, and breathing quite rapidly, Sirius turned to Remus, "Just you left my dear."

Very hesitantly they kissed, well aware of the three pairs of eyes boring into them.

Breaking apart, Sirius, still trying to catch his breath, stuttered, "R-Remus… Remus by miles!"

Feeling weirdly triumphant, James instructed Sirius to spin.

"Truth or dare Remus?"

"Truth." In all honesty, Remus couldn't be bothered to move.

"Where the bloody hell did you learn to kiss like that!?"

Remus chuckled dryly, "From a boy last summer. Called Richard." The bottle fell on Lily. "Truth or dare Miss Evans?"

"Er - I'll go for dare."

"Okay…" Remus was smirking again, "I dare you to strip down to your undies and run around the common room."

James' face set like stone, "Remus… _nobody _says undies and there's no way in hell -" But the door snapping shut behind her cut off his protests.

Pulling her clothes back on five minutes later, she started laughing, "That felt incredible! I'd do it again any day!" (1)

Sirius smirked too, sticking his middle finger up at James.

"Sirius… truth or dare?" Lily asked.

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Dare _obviously."_

"Okay then, Mr-I-Know-It-All… Give Remus a lap dance -"

"Woah what?" Remus all but shouted as Sirius practically choked.

"You sit down on the bed and Sirius-"

"I'm not stupid Lily, I know what lap dance means. But why me!?"

Lily rolled her eyes, "You're the only one that's gay Remus."

"So?"

"So it'll turn you on!"

"And you basically want to watch me squirm?"

Lily shrugged, "Pretty much. Now hop to before I start putting length requirements on it." Sirius sniggered and Lily shot him a filthy look, "Is he always like that?"

"What? Dirty minded? Fraid so."

Remus sighed as he put his book down and squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to think about the fact that his best friend would very soon be grinding in his lap.

Settling down on his bed, Remus leant back, eyeing Sirius coolly.

"I've got a plan. Don't worry," Sirius whispered in his ear.

And Remus actually began to worry; no good ever came to those words leaving Sirius' mouth.

How right Remus was…

Sirius' plan involved waiting until Remus could barely think coherently to stop.

Sirius stepped back, allowing Remus to relax and after ten minutes of trying very hard _not _to flee into the bathroom, Remus managed to sit back down with only the briefest glare in Sirius' direction.

"Well… That was different…" Remus stated as Lily giggled, blushing slightly. James was sat squeezing his eyes as though trying to rid himself of the picture, Peter had fled long since and Sirius was sat staring at the bottle, his eyes oddly closed. "Well, I can safely say that was a defining moment in our friendship."

Sirius' lips twitched slightly and Remus just spun the bottle, trying not to imagine all the ways he could get Sirius flat on his back…

"James then… Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"I dare you to… dye your hair florescent pink, paint your fingernails florescent green and stain your face florescent yellow until Monday dinner," Remus muttered, his mind preoccupied.

James pulled out his wand, pointed it at himself and within seconds he was a multicoloured man with a big black moustache.

"I - I think we should pack it in for tonight. Continue tomorrow or something?" Sirius suggested, stretching and smiling warmly at Remus. "I'm knackered is all."

"I second that notion," Remus yawned as he stretched too. "My book is ca -"

"Remus… T or D?" James interrupted.

"Er- D?"

"Okay… We, as in Lily, Sirius and myself dare you to not read until Monday."

Remus' mouth fell open, "…Pardon?"

"No reading. Or we go and tell everyone about you being all camp and gay and girly."

Remus rolled his eyes and Sirius decided to be Captain Obvious. "Everybody probably knows by now. Did you not hear they way he was talking about -?"

"Bed," Remus said firmly, pushing Sirius onto one and climbing into his own. "I accept James. But if I get withdrawal symptoms(2)…!" he half threatened.

****

.x0x.

"Anyone seen Remus?" Sirius yawned down at breakfast, still too tired to really pay much attention to anything except the alluring smell of food.

James shook his head, still muttering all the different ways Sirius Black could die. The moustache hadn't come off.

"We continuing?" Lily asked brightly; she was a morning person.

Sirius shook his head, "No Remus."

But James had revenge on his mind, "Sirius…. I dare you to insist on hand feeding Remus everything when he comes down."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "He's going to be getting the wrong impression about me!"

James smirked, "The right impression you mean."

Sirius blushed, "If you're implying that I fancy - Oh hello Remus, do take a seat."

Taking a step back and looking at him warily, Remus rubbed his nose before hesitantly sitting down.

"We were just talking about you," James said pleasantly.

"Good to know," Remus picked up his toast, "James… Sirius is further to the left."

James kicked the right person that time and Sirius sighed dramatically, plucking the toast from Remus' hands and informing him to 'open wide'.

"I take it you've started dares again," Remus mumbled five minuets later as he tried to wipe the chocolate spread off his face.

Lily nodded before daring Peter to go around and take one piece of bacon from each and every platter, mumbling 'bloody nargles' under his breath.

Peter hurriedly did it, not at all bothered when he got chased back to Gryffindor territory by the Slytherins.

After a very cool and intense glaring match, the game was on again.

"Sirius… I dare you to stand up and announce that you'll be stripping at three o'clock on the Quidditch pitch and tickets are one sickle if anybody's interested," Remus took a delicate sip of coffee whilst he waited for Sirius to sort himself out.

"…Will I actually be stripping?"

"No… it'll be something much juicer than that," James replied before Remus had chance to speak.

"Okay then," he climbed up to stand on his seat, magically making his voice louder, "Witches and Wizards of Hogwarts, ghosts and teachers, may I have your attention please!" The students all fell silent, some of them looking bored and most of them well aware that the Marauder's were playing dares. "Today, at precisely three o'clock, I will be stripping. Where I hear you ask? The quidditch pitch. Tickets are on sale now for the bargain price of one silver sickle. Thank-you for your time and enjoy the rest of your breakfast!"

Taking a bow and sitting back down, he smiled at his fellow Marauder's. The students started talking amongst themselves at once, gossips claiming much more interesting things would be happening whilst many of the boys tried to think of reasons to go down without being accused of being gay.

Remus said nothing, just waited for the next dare to be thrown.

"Peter… I dare you to scream whenever someone says you name." That was a classic Sirius Black dare he used every time they played.

Peter squeaked his agreement.

"Peter."

"Aggh! What?"

"Peter."

"Aggh! What?"

"…Peter."

"Aggh! What?!"

"Peter…"

"Aggh! What?!"

"Peter?"

"Aggh! WHAT?!"

"Peter."

"Aggh! Stop it!"

"Peter."

"Aggh! Stop it!"

"Peter."

"Aggh! Stop it!"

"Peter."

"Aggh! STOP IT!"

"Pet-"

"Sirius, I really could do without a headache this early on."

"Sorry Moony."

James smirked at Sirius, mouthing 'Whipped!'. Sirius stuck his middle finger up in response and said, "James… I dare you to go ask Minnie if she's still up for that threesome with you and Lily."

"… I'll get detention."

"Especially looking like you do," Lily commented.

"It's not _my _fault somebody used _magical permanent _marker is it?" Pointed glare towards Sirius.

"Well Remus won't want you to get rid of it will you Remmie-poo?" Sirius cooed at said werewolf. "We all know you have a HUGE crush on Fr-"

"Sirius… I dare you to go up with James instead of Lily," Remus replied coolly, waving a knife in Sirius' general direction.

Ten minutes later and James sat back down whilst Sirius was still leant on the staff table, practically begging her to join in with them.

Lily was torn between laughing and sighing as she watched him, "Why does he always have to take things to the extreme?"

"In his words; because he's Sirius Black."

"Is that his excuse for everything?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

****

.x0x.

"It's two o'clock and you guys still haven't told me what I'm doing," Sirius was sulking. McGonagall had refused to give him detention, thinking it was what he wanted and so Sirius had gotten detention with Slughorn instead.

"Well it involves Remus…" James began.

Remus glared at him, "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm going to sh-"

"NO! Remus, no. _I _don't particularly want to see that," James shuddered slightly. "This is the plan; Sirius is going to start stripping and when he reaches his trousers, you're going to dive on him and tell him that 'it's for your eyes only.' Sirius will then nod, take your hand and you'll skip back into the castle and live happily ever after."

"… so basically it's a set up to make it look like I'm going out with Sirius?"

"Well half the school already think that, so it's more or less just confirming the rumours," James scratched his chin thoughtfully.

Sirius caught Remus' eye and they both laughed.

****

.x0x.

"You do realise he's trying to play matchmaker don't you?" Sirius asked as he brushed his hair, peering at Remus through the mirror he was using.

Walking up behind him, Remus slung his arms around Sirius, "Yes."

"Why don't we just tell him the truth?"

"Because it'll make Prongs happy if he thinks he got us together," Remus replied, smoothing out Sirius' top much like an aunt would do.

Turning round to kiss him chastely, Sirius said, "At least we know he's okay about us."

****

.x0x.

After making a very nice profit on tickets, James had sat down behind the magical stage.

He was watching people force their way to the front, some practically duelling to get there whilst many of the teachers tried to blend in with the students.

"I'm only here to keep an eye on things," Professor McGonagall stated as she took a seat next to James.

"I'm sure you are," James muttered under his breath.

"Pardon Potter?"

"I didn't say a thing Professor."

****

.x0x.

"Ready to do this?" Remus asked, gently squeezing Sirius' hand.

Sirius nodded his agreement, "Which song did you finally decide on?"

Remus paused, "I'm torn actually, _Let's Turn It On _or _Let Me Entertain You. _The former has a good tune to strip to but the latter seems more appropriate…"

Laughing, Sirius decided for him, "Play _Let Me Entertain You _as that's precisely what I'll be doing."

Smiling weakly, Remus nodded, "Now remember our plan?"

Sirius kissed him shortly before leading Remus over to the stage. "Yes, now enjoy the show my dear," Sirius winked as he smirked goodbye and climbed onto the stage.

The music started.

Off went the robes…

Off went the tie…

Off went the jumper…

Off went the shirt…

Off went the vest…

"How many clothes has he put on?" James commented at this point.

Sirius then started to unbutton his jeans.

James gave Remus a meaningful look, but Remus pretended he was too wrapped up in the show to notice.

"Remus!" James elbowed said werewolf sharply in the ribs, "Get up there!"

Remus snorted, "Are you mad James Potter?! I'm not missing this!" Grinning, Remus turned back in time to see Sirius loose the jeans all together.

James started garbling and stuttering then, pointing at Sirius, "Why, _why _as he got - got - got a… one of _those _on?"

Still grinning, Remus patted James consolingly on the head, "It's called a thong my dear, and don't you think it does wonders for his backside?"

Turning an alarming shade of white, James stood up and kicked his chair out of the way intending to stop Sirius himself.

At that moment however, as instructed, Peter threw a galleon onto the stage.

As Sirius bent over to pick it up, James stepped up onto the stage behind him…

… And promptly fainted.

****

.x0x.

Up in the Hospital Wing half an hour later, Sirius was still sat in his red thong as he waited for James to wake up. Remus was sat on his knee, his shirt slightly messy from the detour Sirius had taken and Lily was sat opposite them, swapping between laughing and glaring.

Madame Pomfrey had nearly had a heart attack when they entered the ward, thinking this was some sort of elaborate prank and Sirius hadn't actually realised he was hardly dressed.

And when they explained _why _James had fainted in the first place, she was even more convinced they were pulling a prank on her and that James would jump up and shout boo or something.

He hadn't, obviously.

Very slowly opening his eyes, James blinked a few times before finally spotting Sirius attempting to hide behind Remus, "Oh that's right, hide behind loverboy! You, _you _have scarred me beyond repair! It's one of those mental images you just _don't _need that floats back at random intervals!"

Sirius smirked, "I got a galleon out of it."

"Ha bloody ha," James grumbled as he attempted to stand up. "And you two didn't do your dare either! Nobody thinks you're going out!"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Lily said calmly, "They put on something of a show whilst you were knocked out."

"Yes, just be thankful you missed _that," _Peter said as he shuddered slightly.

James, it seemed, had only just realised how two of his best friends were sat, "I take it you're not protecting Sirius' dignity are you?"

Remus smiled slightly, "Sirius doesn't have any dignity left to protect anyway." Said animagus thumped him on the arm.

"Bloody cheeky sod! You just wait till we -"

James and Peter screamed loudly in unison, successfully drowning out Sirius' words.

"I've just recovered from an injury! The least you could do is spare me from hearing things like that!" James told them seriously whilst Sirius shared a glance with Remus. Pushing himself off the bed James started talking again, "Right, well I'm going because I don't know about you ,but I've got a game of dares to finish."

"Er - can I borrow your robe James?"

"Why Sirius? I think the entire castle has seen you and your choice of underwear by now," James grimaced.

"Yes… but if I stand up, it'll give you more scarring," Sirius replied.

James frowned at him before he finally clicked, "oh…oH…OH!" He very quickly pulled his robe off and flung it at Sirius, trying to repress a shudder, "There."

Sirius threw the rob back at him as he stood up too, smirking, "I was joking."

"… I hate you."

****

.x0x.

Remus sighed in exasperation, "James, are you going to insist on us playing dares till somebody caves?"

In the week that had passed, Remus and Sirius had invited practically every teacher to join them, Peter had been locked in a closet with James, who thought Peter was Lily (The screams had been heard all over the castle.), Lily had glued all the Hufflepuff's to the Ravenclaw's and somehow managed to make all the teachers chairs float when they sat down at dinner one night. Remus had played dominoes with the bookcases in the Library and Sirius had spent most of his week signing photo's of him and Bob, (Yes, he named his thong.)

"Yes Remus, I am. I've been scarred for life and others must be scarred with me," replied James smoothly, "I will not rest till others are so scarred they will beg for mercy!"

"We've played all week though! Your original goal was to get Sirius and I together and it _worked _so we can stop playing and go back to reading."

"I've told you once and I'll tell you again my dear, you can't read on a Friday night!" Sirius' head popped up from where he'd been digging around under a sofa (looking for his wand) as he wagged his finger accusingly at Remus.

"What's so bad about reading on a Friday night?"

"We, my dear Moony," Sirius informed him, "Are teenagers. Teenagers just _don't _read on a Friday night."

"I'm listening to music!" Remus defended, "And you should know by now that I'm not your typical teenager."

Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes, "There is an empty dorm upstairs, how about we go up there and I show you exactly what _I _like to do on Friday nights."

"…Can I keep my music on?"

"If you must, just don't be shouting his name." Sirius teased lightly as Remus swatted him.

"Just get up those stairs before I change my mind…"

James screwed his face up, "Ew. Ew. And ew!"

"Oh be nice James, this is what you wanted isn't it?" Lily said as she put her essay down.

"Them to be together not permanently locking us out of the dorm, a _shared _dorm may I add!" James folded his arms.

"We could always go and join them if you like," Lily suggested with a smirk.

* * *

I've had this written for ages and finally decided to post it, it makes me laugh at least!

So tell me, who does Remus have a crush on? (Sans Sirius) Hehe... The clues are there...

Any good?

Review xD


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